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to compare this poem with the one posted just before. this is to cory, who hurt me enough to write another poem that was like the one about jackie [my silence].



i am not so much a soldier

these words cut like barbs
asking the question if i should defend or run away
but i am not so much a soldier

so cowering in the face of everything and anything
i lie here awake and afraid
timidly typing out words i can't speak aloud

and the scars on my soul
now have new cuts to match dug in deep and jagged
marked again without choice

i stand accused and convicted of crimes i did not commit
bent low with shame and tears
judge and jury only one person, giving me no trial

i bare my soul to only few
terrified of being judged, hurt and hated
and here it goes again

so why do these words fall from your mouth and fingers
words i never expect from you
is it easier to say i was wrong than to say you're sorry?

i admit i said things i regret
in anger yelling and calling you things like idiot
but you take no responsibility

your words stand offensive and painful to those about you
yet you claim 'semantics'
can you not see how these semantics cause me pain

i may be sensitive
but at least i know not to hurt those who care about me
maybe you don't care

and so i have to end this even if i still want to forgive you
because i still care
but i care enough about myself to not let me be hurt again

so i am not so much a soldier
but i am a lover, a healer, a listener and above all, a friend
except not for you anymore

-zan

my silence - copyrighted

So this is old, about four years, but i thought I'd compare this poem with the one that follows. Four years and the same situations still cause the same pain.



my silence


i am silent, eerily silent
yet i am screaming deep within me
my soul is screetching a sound so wretched,
the devil rejoices in it’s voice
as my soul screams
my heart weeps
crying an ugly jagged noise
and when the Angels hear it
They break
and though these sounds,
these terrible sounds,
come from within me
i show nothing,
NOTHING on the outside
for i can no longer feel it
i do not let myself feel it
i just let myself be used
like a doormat
something that says:
“Welcome,
come wipe Your feet on my face”
because a part of me has given up
i walk numb through my life
Feeling, Showing nothing
so i can no longer hurt
so i can no longer let myself be hurt
for feeling nothing is better
better than the pain and hurt i feel
better than the betrayal and heartbreak i feel
yet somewhere within me
Something argues
it tells me that if i cannot hurt,
i cannot live
for life has it’s pain,
however long it may stay,
but if you cannot feel pain,
you cannot feel the joy life has
and with that idea,
the numbness disappears
and everything crashes down
so when my soul screams that wretched scream,
You can hear me screaming along
and when my heart cries
You can hear my ugly jagged sobs
for i am not a doormat,
though welcome is what i say
I say
just as I say that I shall Live
and Feel and Cry and Scream
and when you treat me like that
like I have no Life that is worth to Live
I will stop you
for you can no longer wipe your feet on My face
so instead of screaming within Me,
I will scream at you
I’m no longer silent.

-zan
Close your eyes again
Can you see me there?
Burned and Broken
Watching you sleep
Praying for redemption
Working towards revenge
And there's blood on these hands
From holding myself together
After you ripped me apart

**Too emo? Too morbid? Too me?**


It's a crash course in love
That'll end in sparks
Crashed into a brick wall
We're speeding on a dead end road
This joy ride may be short
But I'm sure the explosion will be worth it
When it lights up the sky

**Waaaaay to many car references. Awful. Facepalm.**


I never promised to be this way forever
All we had was never something to believe in

**Too...i dunno.**


Seperate the seven layers of yourself
Mark it deep, with ink and metal and blood
Reflect the soul-deep scars
Push forth the hidden identity
Permanent marks of different kinds
A rebellion, an anguish; alternating reasons
If only to prove you're alive.

**Tattoos and cutting. Emo/punk. Fuck. Bleck**


Eyes glance from across the room
I can see what you need
Peering over the side of my glass
Your slow smile curves and curls
Off your hand to mine
Money changing palm to palm
And watching my hips as I walk upstairs
For one night I'm yours
This smile's just for you
I'll do whatever you want me to
Pretend I'm her, pretend I'm him
It doesn't matter to me at all
Strip off my shirt
Shimmy out of my pants
One hundred percent guareenteed seduction
I'm worth every penny
Push me into the bed
Mark me as yours, bite hard and true
Grin as you make me bleed
Make me feel this in my muscles tomorrow
Dirty this bed, dirty my body, dirty my soul
Use me.

**Fuck, this started out as lyrics that were supposed to be about treating/prostitution in the 1920's....somehow got so much dirtier than that...**

Massive Poetry Post [10/10] Copyrighted

Untitled


Press it deeper
Feel the shame
Escape the truth
Embrace the pain
Let it out
Keep it in
Feel the heat
The cold within
Drop of head
Arch of wrist
The press of hate
A cold love's kiss
A wet aftermath
Face, hands and arms
Left whole and broken
In this ritual of self harm

Massive Poetry Post [9/10] Copyrighted

Has It Made All The Difference?
A response to Robert Frost

I sit here by myself,
Singing for nobody
Fingers playing fragile notes
That linger in the air
Sparkling like dust specks
But I hear nothing
Just the screaming silence
My own thoughts and hopes
Lay bound and gagged

I stop to wonder for awhile
What it is to be happy
To be this cheerful thing
Eyes bright and lips pulled tight
Like a monster with a smile
The monster is happy
Twisting a grin with too many teeth
But what about me?

The skies are grey
Wind curls around me
It’s this feeling that holds me
I smile as the rain beats down.
Ironic, but I’m happy
I get it now
Why he pressed those words to paper
A dark etching on this broken mirror
And I hold tight to words he speaks

I travel on alone,
This path he spoke of
Solitary, yes, that is me
So I’ll continue to walk down this deserted road
Where no one else dare tread
Even though,
I have nowhere to go

Massive Poetry Post [8/10] Copyrighted

In My Basement, Behind Locked Doors

Burning as cold metal meets flesh
Parting skin from muscle and blood from vein
The blade comes out when I have problems

Slicing to force a sting so sharp
Prancing its way between sinew, tendon, nerve
The blade works to solve my problems

Singing a song of pain exquisite
Biting deep in new exposed red coloured bone
The blade ends all my problems





**Fuck. >.< Emo Emo Emo Emo Emo. Sorry. I suppose I'm somewhere between emo and punk anyway, but that doesn't mean i have to write crap like this...**

Massive Poetry Post [6/10] CoPyRiGhTeD

Don't Dissect A Rainbow


How many times will you break my spirit?
            It's not my fault nobody likes you.
            Look at me, scorn in your eyes.

How many times will you make me cry?
            I meant it to be funny, stop being such a girl.
            Let your lips form another sneer.

How many times will your words cut deep?
            It's complete crap, nobody likes it.
            Stand up and look down at me again.

How many times will you not care?
            Go ahead, kill yourself.
            Step forward, step forward, be aggressive.

How many times will I let you?
            Per sempre e mai.
            All I ever did was love you.











Per sempre e mai: Forever and ever. Or Forever and never.

**Fuck, I hope I got the italian right for this.

Massive Poetry Post [5/10] Copyrighted!

I Am Leg Numb

I am leg numb. Pins and needles. Sharp, oh so sharp. Bite and bit and broken and blood. Fight me now please. I thank you for this, this bone deep ache. Almost a burn, a flare, a spark. Strike them stones together. Or be alone. Just oneness. Singularity. A thought on the whisp of an idea. So think about it next time. Because there won't be another. Places change and so do people. People live and die and cry and leave. And they never come back. I don't wait though. Give up on hope, let yourself go numb. I am leg numb.

Massive Poetry Post [4/10] Copyrighted

Hurt, Anger, and Desperation


There's a monster who embraces me
And I desperately wish I could let go.

There's a demon who caresses me
And I desperately wish I could flinch away.

There's a siren who sings to me
And I desperately wish I could stop listening.

There's a weeping girl inside of me
Who desperately wonders "What have I done?"