to compare this poem with the one posted just before. this is to cory, who hurt me enough to write another poem that was like the one about jackie [my silence].



i am not so much a soldier

these words cut like barbs
asking the question if i should defend or run away
but i am not so much a soldier

so cowering in the face of everything and anything
i lie here awake and afraid
timidly typing out words i can't speak aloud

and the scars on my soul
now have new cuts to match dug in deep and jagged
marked again without choice

i stand accused and convicted of crimes i did not commit
bent low with shame and tears
judge and jury only one person, giving me no trial

i bare my soul to only few
terrified of being judged, hurt and hated
and here it goes again

so why do these words fall from your mouth and fingers
words i never expect from you
is it easier to say i was wrong than to say you're sorry?

i admit i said things i regret
in anger yelling and calling you things like idiot
but you take no responsibility

your words stand offensive and painful to those about you
yet you claim 'semantics'
can you not see how these semantics cause me pain

i may be sensitive
but at least i know not to hurt those who care about me
maybe you don't care

and so i have to end this even if i still want to forgive you
because i still care
but i care enough about myself to not let me be hurt again

so i am not so much a soldier
but i am a lover, a healer, a listener and above all, a friend
except not for you anymore

-zan

So this is old, about four years, but i thought I'd compare this poem with the one that follows. Four years and the same situations still cause the same pain.



my silence


i am silent, eerily silent
yet i am screaming deep within me
my soul is screetching a sound so wretched,
the devil rejoices in it’s voice
as my soul screams
my heart weeps
crying an ugly jagged noise
and when the Angels hear it
They break
and though these sounds,
these terrible sounds,
come from within me
i show nothing,
NOTHING on the outside
for i can no longer feel it
i do not let myself feel it
i just let myself be used
like a doormat
something that says:
“Welcome,
come wipe Your feet on my face”
because a part of me has given up
i walk numb through my life
Feeling, Showing nothing
so i can no longer hurt
so i can no longer let myself be hurt
for feeling nothing is better
better than the pain and hurt i feel
better than the betrayal and heartbreak i feel
yet somewhere within me
Something argues
it tells me that if i cannot hurt,
i cannot live
for life has it’s pain,
however long it may stay,
but if you cannot feel pain,
you cannot feel the joy life has
and with that idea,
the numbness disappears
and everything crashes down
so when my soul screams that wretched scream,
You can hear me screaming along
and when my heart cries
You can hear my ugly jagged sobs
for i am not a doormat,
though welcome is what i say
I say
just as I say that I shall Live
and Feel and Cry and Scream
and when you treat me like that
like I have no Life that is worth to Live
I will stop you
for you can no longer wipe your feet on My face
so instead of screaming within Me,
I will scream at you
I’m no longer silent.

-zan

Close your eyes again
Can you see me there?
Burned and Broken
Watching you sleep
Praying for redemption
Working towards revenge
And there's blood on these hands
From holding myself together
After you ripped me apart

**Too emo? Too morbid? Too me?**


It's a crash course in love
That'll end in sparks
Crashed into a brick wall
We're speeding on a dead end road
This joy ride may be short
But I'm sure the explosion will be worth it
When it lights up the sky

**Waaaaay to many car references. Awful. Facepalm.**


I never promised to be this way forever
All we had was never something to believe in

**Too...i dunno.**


Seperate the seven layers of yourself
Mark it deep, with ink and metal and blood
Reflect the soul-deep scars
Push forth the hidden identity
Permanent marks of different kinds
A rebellion, an anguish; alternating reasons
If only to prove you're alive.

**Tattoos and cutting. Emo/punk. Fuck. Bleck**


Eyes glance from across the room
I can see what you need
Peering over the side of my glass
Your slow smile curves and curls
Off your hand to mine
Money changing palm to palm
And watching my hips as I walk upstairs
For one night I'm yours
This smile's just for you
I'll do whatever you want me to
Pretend I'm her, pretend I'm him
It doesn't matter to me at all
Strip off my shirt
Shimmy out of my pants
One hundred percent guareenteed seduction
I'm worth every penny
Push me into the bed
Mark me as yours, bite hard and true
Grin as you make me bleed
Make me feel this in my muscles tomorrow
Dirty this bed, dirty my body, dirty my soul
Use me.

**Fuck, this started out as lyrics that were supposed to be about treating/prostitution in the 1920's....somehow got so much dirtier than that...**

Untitled


Press it deeper
Feel the shame
Escape the truth
Embrace the pain
Let it out
Keep it in
Feel the heat
The cold within
Drop of head
Arch of wrist
The press of hate
A cold love's kiss
A wet aftermath
Face, hands and arms
Left whole and broken
In this ritual of self harm

Has It Made All The Difference?
A response to Robert Frost

I sit here by myself,
Singing for nobody
Fingers playing fragile notes
That linger in the air
Sparkling like dust specks
But I hear nothing
Just the screaming silence
My own thoughts and hopes
Lay bound and gagged

I stop to wonder for awhile
What it is to be happy
To be this cheerful thing
Eyes bright and lips pulled tight
Like a monster with a smile
The monster is happy
Twisting a grin with too many teeth
But what about me?

The skies are grey
Wind curls around me
It’s this feeling that holds me
I smile as the rain beats down.
Ironic, but I’m happy
I get it now
Why he pressed those words to paper
A dark etching on this broken mirror
And I hold tight to words he speaks

I travel on alone,
This path he spoke of
Solitary, yes, that is me
So I’ll continue to walk down this deserted road
Where no one else dare tread
Even though,
I have nowhere to go

In My Basement, Behind Locked Doors

Burning as cold metal meets flesh
Parting skin from muscle and blood from vein
The blade comes out when I have problems

Slicing to force a sting so sharp
Prancing its way between sinew, tendon, nerve
The blade works to solve my problems

Singing a song of pain exquisite
Biting deep in new exposed red coloured bone
The blade ends all my problems





**Fuck. >.< Emo Emo Emo Emo Emo. Sorry. I suppose I'm somewhere between emo and punk anyway, but that doesn't mean i have to write crap like this...**

Don't Dissect A Rainbow


How many times will you break my spirit?
            It's not my fault nobody likes you.
            Look at me, scorn in your eyes.

How many times will you make me cry?
            I meant it to be funny, stop being such a girl.
            Let your lips form another sneer.

How many times will your words cut deep?
            It's complete crap, nobody likes it.
            Stand up and look down at me again.

How many times will you not care?
            Go ahead, kill yourself.
            Step forward, step forward, be aggressive.

How many times will I let you?
            Per sempre e mai.
            All I ever did was love you.











Per sempre e mai: Forever and ever. Or Forever and never.

**Fuck, I hope I got the italian right for this.

I Am Leg Numb

I am leg numb. Pins and needles. Sharp, oh so sharp. Bite and bit and broken and blood. Fight me now please. I thank you for this, this bone deep ache. Almost a burn, a flare, a spark. Strike them stones together. Or be alone. Just oneness. Singularity. A thought on the whisp of an idea. So think about it next time. Because there won't be another. Places change and so do people. People live and die and cry and leave. And they never come back. I don't wait though. Give up on hope, let yourself go numb. I am leg numb.

Hurt, Anger, and Desperation


There's a monster who embraces me
And I desperately wish I could let go.

There's a demon who caresses me
And I desperately wish I could flinch away.

There's a siren who sings to me
And I desperately wish I could stop listening.

There's a weeping girl inside of me
Who desperately wonders "What have I done?"

Trio of Lies

Lie Number One

i call me a Liar, it's who i am
a Liar is all i can be, all i choose to be
i will lie my way into your Pants, just to get you out of them
lies On top of lies, not one like the last
please don't believe me, the girl who cried Fire


Lie Number Two

Let me spin and spin
Turning one thing into another
Change it into something shiny
A distracting garment
Alter it, fit it
Make it into something else
Wrap you in it
Tight, so tight
Wear only what I give you
See only what I make
And you will be another
Who falls victim to my lies


Lie Number Three

I am only a liar,
The best you've even met,
Don't trust me, don't think of it.
Don't believe me, I speak falsehoods
Like a Politian or criminal.
Regret, guilt, shame
Are things I cannot feel.
I'm only a liar,
The worst one at that.

No Amount of Asprin Could Cure This


It's a pressure and a push
Up and out and needing to escape.
So enclosed
So alone
So very very repressed
Begging for freedom
Pounding to be let out
Making everything tense and sharp
It's deadly and satisfying
To see the end
To feel it pulse and bleed
To just wait-/wait/-for the explosion
A pain that will never end
An ending that will never come

Haikus for Toast

[1]

Toast you own my soul
I eat you every morning
With butter or jam.


[2]

Despite all warnings
My knife goes in the toaster
To save my one love


[3]

Warm against my hand
And a brilliant shade of brown
A tasty breakfast

Something I wrote out in five minutes for my Advanced Poetry class.




Disney Lies

Once upon a time
A cursed princess pricked her finger and never awoke.

Once upon a time
The daughter of a sultan was forced to marry a mad man.

Once upon a time
A young girl wept as she never made it to the ball.

Once upon a time
A mermaid wished to walk but was confined to the sea.

Once upon a time
A pale woman was killed by a henchman of her stepmother.

Once upon a time
A violent narcassist raped a beautiful bookworm.



And they all lived unhappily ever after.



Once upon a time
He tried to push too far.



Not everyone finds their Prince Charming.

So this was written as sort of an address/ode in prose poem form to Bob Bryar[about his being amazing/stupid and getting his leg melted off]. Because I didn't know what else to write for my damn poetry class and I had a few bits and pieces started of this.


Famous Last Words

What it must be like to have your passion. To want something so badly you'll face death for it. To give up blood and skin and muscle for perfection. Yet to show no pain, to get up and walk away like you haven't been mauled by the fury of the fire.

Dedication at it's finest. That you would risk life and limb for something that is nothing but everything to you. To laugh and curse and move like you're not affected. Like help isn't needed. And attempting to leave this ward, to escape so that none could be disappointed, even as the infection tracks it's way to your brain. Though no one would, could, be disappointed in someone like you.

Your happiness in it's perfection, in it's rightness, is unreal. A smile like no other gracing habitually somber features. It's easy to realize your joy in it's faultlessness. To see how this is bigger than you and me and everyone. To understand why you'd give your everything to see this one thing complete. Because this could mean life or death. For you, for me, for anyone.



[[Not entirely happy with it yet, but I like it enough to read it in front of fucking class. Let's hope nobody knows who I'm writing about because otherwise that may be a bit disconcerting.]]

New poem for class. I particularly like this one.




Casual Affairs and Star Crossed Love Only Happens In Shakespeare


It's all too confusing.
It's all too wounding.
The way I live my life from day to day.

How simple is routine.
How simple is faking.
Moving seventeen muscles to smile a lie in place.

Clearly I'm falling apart.
Clearly I no longer care.
But why should I when nothing matters.

Why is it easier to hurt?
Why is it easier to break?
Love is truth and light and beauty but denial is easy.

Amazing how depression kills.
Amazing how pain feels.
Mutilated hearts and torn souls never mend.

I can feel my heart slowing.
I can feel my fingers numbing.
What’s surprising is how I can’t feel pain or regret or hurt.

I don’t know why they gather me up.
I don’t know why they hold my body close.
A touch once longed for, before they shattered me.

It's a lie when they say I'll be okay.
It's a lie when they say life is worth it.
What do I have to live for when they took it from me?

This damaged spirit has nothing left.
This damaged body has no life.
I have no reason to live to see another day die.

They always told me I would die.
They were wrong when they said they wouldn't care.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat


Who Who did this
They asked
Tell us
They said

Doll in hand
Did he touch you
Where Where
Show us on dolly
Point Point Point
Point they said

Bring in mommy
Have her ask
Sweetie tell them
tell them sweetie
They're good men

Good men
Men who shake their heads
and mutter mutter
Such a shame
Such a sweet girl
Sick bastard
Shake Shake
Sweet little girl

Whisper Whisper
Answer Answer

"Do you know the muffin man?"



***Yeah, so I wrote this with the nursery rhyme in mind. Basically I was wondering why these kids knew the muffin man and what if he was creepy. Plus I'm trying out different styles of poetry. People in my poetry class were a bit creeped out by it. Oh well. Then again, it's about a little girl (boy?) getting raped then (sort of) interrogated by the police. Not exactly happy rainbow sunshine.

Title: A Cross Between A Stalker And My Aunt Laura: Chapter Fifteen, The Last Chapter
Author: onlylirael aka zanmoran Me, Zander J. Moran.
Pairing: Bonk, Bonkie [Frank/Bob]
Rating: R for swearing, slight violence, sexual ideas, mentions of sex, sexish stuff, and actual sex. It's dirtier sex too, not so light and fluffyish.
POV: Bob, then Frank
Summary: Sadly, it's the end. We have a cute but evil Frankie and a sweet, hot Bobby.
Disclaimer: I do not own them. But damned if I didn't wish I did.
Author Notes: Cross-posted, because whitechinadoll told me to. Also, I love all the comments. They rock my world.
Dedications: This is to everyone and anyone who took the time to give me feedback on this fic. Being my first one, I was nervous and unsure. I'm so glad you loved this and told me what made you laugh, shoot your drink out of your nose, or just giggle until your parents woke up. I hope that you like the sequel as much as this one.
Warnings: This fic is funny. So be careful, I don't need any of my readers getting hurt or anything, as people have fallen off of things and have had their drinks shoot out of their noses. BE CAREFUL, I NEED YOU ALIVE, ALIVE. Also fluff, lots and lots of fluff.

Previous Chapters:
1: I Have No Idea How To Do This...
2: Sir Galahad Is Hot
3: WHY WITH THE THIGHS?
4: F.o.B.: Frank on Bob
5: If You Wanna Know If He Loves You So It's In His Kiss (That's Where It Is)
6: Periods Are Overrated: Or I'm Stealing That Insult
7: The Internet Isn't The Only Place To Find Porn
8: Personally, Ken Is Better Off Without Barbie
9: Happy Birthday To Me
10: Storks and Candybars
11: Coitus, Copulation, Fornication, Lovemaking, Relations, Reproduction, Fucking, HAVING ALL THE SEX!
12: Guess Who Has Virgin Ears?
13: HI MOMMY!
14: It's All Fun And Games Until Somebody Moans Like A Whore






( And We’ve Come To The End )

Title: A Cross Between A Stalker and My Aunt Laura: Chapter One
Author: zanmoran aka onlylirael
Pairing: I'M NOT TELLING...yet.
Rating: PG-13 for nudity (But it's tasteful nudity, I swear!)
POV: Switches between characters.
Summary: Someone has issues with pillows, someone else hear's their mother's voice in their head.
Disclaimer: Did I mention that I'm Mrs. Bob Bryar?
Author Notes: First Fic Ever, please be kind.
Dedications: To the lovely Mrs. Kay Way for choosing the pairing and for being my loverly mentor.

( I've Never Done An LJ Cut Before, So I Hope This Works... )